Lines written after Christmas visits to various members of my friends-family.
 
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INAPPROPRIATE AUNTY

 

I’m your Inappropriate Aunty

The sister your mum never had

When I arrive I kiss too hard

Rub up against your dad

I call myself your aunt but

In fact we’re not related

It’s just as if Johnny Rotten and

Amy Winehouse mated

 

I’ll talk about my period

Light my farts for a party trick

Poke Granny in the boob for a right old laugh

Giggle at a toddler’s dick

I’lI say fuck at the table

Talk tits to teenage boys

When all you mothers are asleep

I’m fumbling with sex toys

 

Coz I’ve still got my libido

Coz I’ve no kids of my own

Instead of keeping cosy family

Pictures on my phone

I’ve got a shot of my vibrator to

Remind me what I like

It’s the perfect bedtime story when I

Tuck me in at night

 

I choose not to have children but

I like them nonetheless

Especially when I can show off my

Inappropriateness

I’m the irresponsible adult

I’m your mentor-mentalist

Don’t do as I say nor

Do as I do

Just do what you like when I babysit

 

I’ll let you stay up really late

Take sips of aunty’s whiskey

You can have a go on my cigarette

Or indulge in something more risky

I’ll skin up with the kids,

Do a bong behind closed doors

Tell drug stories from my past to prove that

Aunty ain’t no bore

 

I’m not your blood relation

But I’ll be your favourite aunt

I’m a family law unto myself

I’ll say what parents can’t

They fuck you up your mum and dad

Or so Phil’s poem goes

But I’m your Inappropriate Aunty

And we all need one of those.