If Men Had Periods

Male menstruation pic here

If men had periods…

They’d be men-struating.


They’d use man-ty liners and man-pons.

Thin little Lillets with strings that’re really long.

Girls, we’d be the ones deciding

To go down on them if they were on.

If men had periods.


If men had periods, their poor swollen balls

Would make it hard for them to sit down and be comfortable.

They’d secretly wear big pants, busting out their usual clothing.

They may be excused from swimming.

If men had periods.


Women, get this!

They’d be our blood brothers once a month.

Get tearful at the slightest emotional thing.

They’d get MPMT.

Man-flu? We can only shudder at what Man-Cramps might bring.


Maybe periods for a man would be celebrated,

Shouted about, ranked, displayed, rated.

“I’m Super-Plus. Yeah, well I’m Super-Duper Plus.”

If men had periods.


Sports superstars would advertise “Le-llets”

The Best A Man Can Get!

Featuring Kevlar-String Theory TM

For toughness and ultra-confidence

Keeping you on top of your game when you’re on.


With geezers on the rag, football matches could turn really ugly.

Or not. Maybe there’d be tribes of weepy men

With all that league-table oestrogren.

Imagine: The Moon Cup Final…

If men had periods.


It’s still a man’s world, right?

So they’d be perfectly put to problem-solve on period policy.

  • Vote in menses leave: 2 days off each month
  • Cut tax on essential sanitary protection
  • Force through benefits for bleeders


Hear our entreaties, Sanitary protector sweeties!

O bleedin’ geezers!

Power-wielding period-patriarchs!

Boardroom-mates in the majority!

O task-based deliverers,

Supreme Map readers: find a kinder monthly route

For all us menstrual cyclists.


If we both had periods, we’d have to understand you

And love you for it.

We’d know to drape you in duvet and bring you chocolate.

How could we not?

If men had periods.


Maybe machismo would ameliorate

If men were to menstruate.

More wars stopped. Fewer fights,

Less disparity, an equality correction

Maybe put the sanity into sanitary protection

If men had periods.


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