Architect-Designed-House Desire

Thursday 25 March 2010
ADHD
(or Architect-Designed-House Desire)  
                                                       
I want the clean lines for my own face
Space-saving crazy-paving
Stock library children waving to me through my
Floor-to-ceiling windows.
I want a magazine shoot for a front room
Stylishly presented, recycled air-vente
Proto-gallery photo-gallery dust-free-environment
I want a Zen garden path: walkway to hip contemplation
Rumination on the creation of a home that’s an ongoing inspiration.
I want an Ikea landscape, a calm environment with
No clutter, no life-trappings, no…furniture.
Everything put away in neat matching boxes and
Storage systems. Storage solutions.
Those protectors against confusions
Neatly labelled, clearly marked, all my things neatly parked
In my hoped-for sanctuary of clarity
No disparity nor vulgarity
Living in perfect harmony!
I have Grand Designs on this home and lifestyle
I see promulgated in the glossies.
Beamed to me on flat-screen-TV. OCD in high-definition.
Hyper-reality shows up precisely when its required.
Pretend coal-fired but really low-carbon
Kevin McCloud’s got a hard-on. Or a semi.
Brushed aluminium, cold steel kitchen
The sheen of the new
Line-caught cod in the sink still twitching
Ready for the dinner do
Bing-Bong! There’s the bell!
Or rather, the highly sophisticated, voice activated, heat-sensing, iris-recognising, remotely-controlled-from-my-iPhone entry system solution.
Just coming!
I sweep down my marble stairs in a freshly sterilised housecoat ready to greet friends. In face-masks, guarding against the microbes they may be carrying.
They don’t have to kick off their shoes.
They’ve been left at the garden gate.
In a British designer-made rack especially for the purpose.
Only £48 grand on eBay.
Once inside, guests can relax and recline
In the laboratory conditions of the sitting area.
Each sofa with its own handy breathing tube
And disposable, eco-antimacassars
Woven of wool from rare-breed sheep
Locally-cloned on the farm near here.
Really low on antimacassar miles.
Coffee-table magazines are positioned just-so
Affording an air of intellect to an already stimulating atmosphere
Of fear.
Are you sitting comfortably?
No? Have a sharpened scatter-cushion.
Matched to the house’s colour palette
Selected from my collection of unbleached cotton shoppers.
Sorta magnolia really.
Or try the original Eames chair over by there
Don’t scare. It was only £48 grand on eBay.
Retrofurb your des-res
Knock down a wall
Put in a mezz.
Dormer windows let more light in
Do what it says on the tin. Or die.
Farrow & Ball colours in the insides of my eyelids. Get rid!
Dulux dogs devouring Kevin on that manicured lawn,
laying down turds just the right shade of fawn.
Crushed by velvet, carpeted over, brushed under
Rip off the tiles, rent wallpaper asunder
It’s my Architect Designed House Desire
Or ADHD for short
My Magazine Designed Modern Ambience
Or MDMA
Or is it OCD? In my pristine gallery
Where I live with just me, me, me.

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